Counting my blessings... | eyesofatragedy's Blog
And it doesn't come naturally. My flesh wants to count every single thing I don't seem to have at hand.
I can barely find myself to eat. But at least I have access to clean food.
I feel completely alone. But I will always have Christ, my Lord and my Savior. I also have my bible study friends, and they include me in events. I seem to have a godly inspiration on them, too... and that's infinitely wonderful.
I feel apart from everyone. But I know this cannot be true.
I wonder if I can ever trust again. But if it is God's will, He will find a way...
I deeply loath being misunderstood. But perhaps I'm not. And even if I am, He incessantly understands me.
I hate being put to blame when I am, indeed, overall blameless. Even if I have not been, He makes me new.
I hate feeling abandoned. But He never has left my side, or my inside.
I hate feeling rejected. But He accepts me in full... and was rejected Himself, as complete and pure as He is.
I hate being treated as if I am invisible. But He sees my very being. My very name proves that He sees me. And I want Him to see me, even in my mistakes in failures. Because He turns them around... because I allow Him to. It still is all Him for influencing me to be aware that I need to allow Him into my very essence. The more I let Him in, the more I fall in Love...
It hurts that most around me are lost, and therefore can bring me close to no comfort or encouragement. It hurts that I need to be strong, while they choose to be weak and ignore my pain. But He never has, and even in my indescribable sufferings in this fallen world, He helps me to comfort and encourage others. Even those seemingly better off than me.
It deeply pains me to see others talk so simply and belittling and ignorantly of intimacy and love. Even those converted (but perhaps not yet made disciples). And yet they seem to find at least someone to stand by their side. Even a friend... a friend that sicks closer than a brother. While I passionately and inexpressibly value the virtue and purity of what love and intimacy could be, and yet I am left without satisfying human-to-human connection... and without the basic necessary foundation of a healthy family-to-family connection. But I am grateful that my true Father loves me and has been there for me before I entered into this world. I am grateful that He is more than just the worldly meaning of "father"... He is everything. I am so appreciative that He helps me to focus on Him, and to ultimately not allow self-pity or disappointment guide my soul and my path.
It disappoints me that in real-life people don't seem to know how to listen. Especially to new thoughts/ideas/truths that go against the grain of society. But I am grateful for a place like ExperienceProject where I can spill and share my thoughts... and from time to time, people sincerely want to listen/read. And even better, sometimes my gifted thoughts help or heal.
I am grateful that this weekend has been all about giving to others. I am grateful that God's promises prove true, and I am grateful for the supernatural and ethereal patience, hope, and foresight He has given me.
I am grateful that I am a diamond in the rough. I am grateful that He is polishing my potential, and one day will present me as a pure and beautiful diamond. I am grateful for being grateful.
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